First of all, a deep and sincere thank you to all of you who read and commented on my introductory post. I am moved by your kind words and empathy. In addition to those who publicly commented, several people sent me private notes with their own stories. I’m not typically one to do the whole “public confessional” thing. I’ve had this demon on my back for so long and tried so many things that I figured it certainly couldn’t hurt. In fact, at the Landmark Forum in August of 2015, I was the very first one to volunteer to get up in front of the room of 150 people and lay out this problem. I got some great insight. Long story short, I thought it was something to do with my father, yet the Forum Leader said it had to do with my ex-wife. These days I think it is a combination of both and more. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter. I did make some progress, and yet, here I am….

Secondly, and most amazingly, the world did not end after I hit the “publish” button! Imagine that. It’s been more than a week since I posted and I none of my fears have been remotely realized. But with business as slow as it is with this damn Covid, who knows, maybe all my customers HAVE abandoned me after reading the post! If a tree falls in the forest and everybody is on Zoom, does it make a sound….

As indicated in the post, I bought and read the book by Jerrold Mundis – “How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt and Live Prosperously”. It was quite good. Beyond reading it, I’ve actually acted on several pieces of key advice. I’ve stopped “debting”. That is, I’ve not spent any money I don’t have since reading it (and I don’t plan to do so in the future). I updated my Quicken file which has been gathering virtual dust for many months and began working on a “Spending Plan” (a friendlier name for that which was heretofore known as a  “Budget”). I’ve canceled and cut up all my credit cards – $14k worth. I’ve actually been quite responsible with the cards, using them and paying them off monthly for several years and not incurring a single dollar of interest. However, it’s clear I’ve purchased things that I wouldn’t have otherwise done so if I didn’t have them. This has diverted cash that could have been used to contributed to paying off my other debts. And so – vamoose! I have to say, it is liberating and terrifying at the same time, especially given the current business outlook. I’m choosing to trust in the Universe (and myself). Truthfully, the pair haven’t let me down so far!

The other book I finished was recommended to me by two people in the span of about a week (usually a good indication the Universe is recommending something for me) and it is superb. It’s called “Existential Kink” by Dr. Carolyn Elliott. Subtitled “Unmask Your Shadow and Embrace Your Power”, it entails diving into your shadow side and also happens to align perfectly with the much of the work I’ve been doing for the last couple years. It’s a more modern and slightly “kinky” take on the concepts in the book “Feeding Your Demons” by Tsultrim Allione, a female Buddhist monk who unearthed some really old Buddhist writings (also by a female) that deal with the same topic. Basically Elliott’s genius premise is “having equals wanting”. Thus, I am (gently) diving into my subconscious in an effort to determine what exactly is the pleasure that I derive from sabotaging my efforts to get out of debt over the years. There has to be a payoff. We are constantly calling to ourselves those things we desire at some level. Some of those things we consider “good” and some “bad”. We tend to be really good at repressing the “bad”. And that which we resist, persists. I’ve experienced this directly and viscerally during a ten day silent meditation retreat, something I will cover in a future post.

Yes, it was a little painful to cut up the lovely little Apple Card. Oh well….

Now that I’ve gotten this little public confessional out of the way, we can move on to bigger and better things like sex, drugs and rock n roll. Well, more like pelvic pain syndrome, psychedelics and finding myself (whatever the hell that means). Once again, thanks for reading!