Ten Days of Silence

This post is going to backtrack just slightly. The Vipassana retreat I attended in 2016 was given short shrift in the prior post. I'm not sure when this modality first crossed my desk, however I do recall I was hellbent on doing one of these retreats for a few years. I would sign up, then back out, only to sign up again. My first real experience with any meditation was at my initial trip to the Meadows in 2009. Once or twice, as a group, we did a guided meditation for maybe 30 minutes. I remember it being powerful - probably because it was the first time in my life I wasn't engaged in some distractive activity for all of a half an hour.

Vipassana is what’s known as “Insight Meditation”. It is a ten day silent meditation retreat. Not only is it silent, it is also completely distraction free: no talking, no eye contact, no non-verbal communication, no reading, no writing, no exercise, no sex, nothing but meditating, sleeping and eating - for ten days and ten nights.

In 2015, when I told Maxine (coach, therapist, psychic) I wanted to do it, she didn't dismiss it, yet she did say, "It won't fix you." Now, partly that's because I wasn't broken (and neither are you, dear reader) and partly because it takes more than a single ten day course to undo 45+ years of life’s effects on a person. It probably sounds odd, however I was sort of enthralled with the question of what would actually happen if I were to actually be completely silent for 10 days. It struck me as a challenge mostly. Could I even do it? In 2016, despite the dramatic transformation of the prior year, the thirst for this knowledge remained unslaked. And so I enrolled in a course at Dhamma Pakasa, located in the rural town of Pecatonica, Illinois, just west of Rockford. (Side note - courses are offered at over 150 locations around the world. There is no reason to spend a bunch of money to travel to an exotic or beautiful location. As you’ll read, you aren’t going to experience much of it.) The course began the day before Thanksgiving. My upbringing left a pretty bad taste in my mouth for holidays, so this was perfect.

Dhamma Pakasa from the air. Dhamma Hall and Dining Halls at 9:00. Dorm is green roof at 2:00. The real beauty is inside (your head).

I had something of a halting meditation practice prior to the course. Upon returning from the Meadows in 2009, I tried a couple candle meditations. My daughters thought I had gone round the bend. Stare at a burning candle in silence for 15 minutes? Sure Dad. I purchased a guided meditation CD (remember those?) from a company in Australia. I loved the content and the accent of the voice, however the recording quality was absolutely abysmal and I found it unlistenable. I did an evening class with Alex Mill, a coach who had spent 14 years in a Zen Buddhist monastery. I would set a timer and struggle mightily to sit for five minutes at a time. It didn’t help that my body was armored up like a military troop transport and I was about as flexible as stack of logs - the physical discomfort always came on quickly. Once, before playing a match in a club tennis tournament, I meditated for 15 minutes or so. Alas, I lost the match. “Damnit! Why did I lose? I MEDITATED before the match!!!” I wailed. Silly boy. I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

I kept waiting for something to happen, to feel different, to be calm, to transform into a peaceful being whose every thought would pass through without harm. I also thought I could actually STOP thinking. Ha! Underlying all this, however, was a desire to be cool and hip, by virtue of being a Meditator AND somebody who practiced yoga (if not nearly often enough).

So I enrolled. I had purchased a Zafu meditation cushion in 2015. I bought a couple pairs of some filmy black yoga pants and packed them up, along with the cushion and some other comfy and warm clothes (it was late November in Chicago). Items notably absent from my duffel bag were computers, books, journals, radios, iPads, television sets, etc. The day before leaving I had a 90 minute deep tissue massage with Debbie. I was ready to MEDITATE, baby! Another side note - there is no cost to attend one of these retreats. In fact, they will not take your money. After attending you may donate time and/or money.

Upon arrival, everybody gathers in the dining hall, fills out some paperwork and hands over all electronic devices for safe keeping. I was shown to my room in the dormitory, which was a very small two bedroom with a shared bath. The walls were a warm beige and devoid of adornments. It was as bland is could be – no distractions. Each bedroom had enough room for a smaller-than-twin basic wood bed frame with a thin mattress on it, a bedside table and one of those ubiquitous white plastic lawn chairs. The Ritz Carlton needn’t worry about competition from this corner of the hospitality world. Dinner was a nice vegetable soup. All meals would be vegetarian, as one of the five precepts to observe is “no killing”. We were allowed to talk during dinner. Men and women ate on separate sides of the hall, divided by a curtain. After dinner was our first meditation in the Dhamma Hall.

The bell that is struck to announce mealtime. A truly sublime sound.

We filed into the dimly lit hall (which was a converted farm house), men on one side and women on the other, and looked for the spot with our name on it. Mine was second row. After some introductory remarks by the assistant teacher (the actual teacher would be S.N. Goenka via recordings made in the 90’s with what might have been a potato for a microphone - ugh! Hadn’t any of these people heard of sound engineers?), we settled in for a 60 minute sit. As I fairly easily turned my recently kneaded body into a half lotus pretzel on my little Zafu, perched upon a one-inch thick foam pad, I congratulated myself for the foresight to get a massage the day prior. I was soooo smart! Bring it on! I had this! We were instructed by the reedy voice on the shitty recording to focus all of our attention on our nostrils and the area above our lip. We were told to watch every breath, in and out and to remain “equanimous”.

At the close of what could have been a month, the one hour session was over. I could hardly move. My legs were asleep and my back was stiff. I think the longest I had ever sat was maybe 30 minutes. Already I needed another massage. How the hell was I going to sit like this for ten more days? I was ready for bed. Not so fast. There was a video teaching to watch. Ok, I rearranged my cushion and stretched out. Not so fast. It’s a sign of disrespect to point the bottoms of your feet toward the front of the room. Hmmmmm. This really was going to take some fortitude. The video finished and we were dismissed to our rooms. I wasn’t enlightened (yet). Nonetheless I slept soundly… until 4:00am.

From 4:30-6:30 we were to meditate, either in the Dhamma Hall or in our room. I chose the Hall, figuring I had a better chance of staying awake. Breakfast (eaten in silence) ran from 6:30-8:00, after which, you guessed it, group meditation in the Hall until 9:00. From 9:00-11:00? Meditate in the Hall or your room. I typically chose my room, where I sat in the plastic chair wrapped in blankets. Lunch ran from 11:00-12:00. I learned to eat quickly as we a a rest period from noon to 1:00. That was time for a serious power nap. From 1:00-2:30 was meditation on our own. I would alternate between my room and the hall. Group meditation until 2:30 and back on our own until 5:00, at which time we had a tea break. We fasted after lunch, however first time students could have a piece of fruit at the break. Group meditation from 6:00-9:00, during which time there was teacher discourse (video). The assistant teacher took questions from groups of four at a time until 9:30. This was the only speaking we did, unless we needed something from the kitchen. Man, I’m not sure when in my life I have ever been so ready to hit my bed. And I worked worked construction in Florida one summer. For three days….

My roommate, a gentleman in his late 50s or early 60s, lasted until the morning of the third day. We had chatted briefly in the room on the first night. He confessed he was terrified and didn’t know if he was going to be able to deal with the pain. He was right. I now had a single room. ParTAY! This single room was VERY cold however. I could practically see my breath upon waking at 4am. I found a heavy wool blanket to put atop the down comforter and fleece I brought with me. I was toasty warm under that stack of blankets, but whoa, did getting out of bed ever suck. Showering was extra fun. I think the Super 8 where I stayed in rural Nebraska in the 90’s had a better shower. It certainly had heat, which this place did not.

Talk about Groundhog Day! Each day the schedule remained unchanged. And each meditation remained unchanged - observe your breath in your nostrils and on your upper lip. Outside the Dhamma Hall was a wall of shelving with various meditation cushions, pads and yoga blocks. I grabbed whatever I thought would help support my body. I found a thicker pad to go on the ground, placed my little zafu on that and found bolsters to put under my knees for support. It helped a little. I would get in whatever yoga postures I could in the few minutes prior to each meditation session in an effort to give some relief to my excruciatingly tight muscles and leaden joints. A few times I switched to a little angled bench on which I sat in a kneeling position with my feet passing through it. It’s even less comfortable than it sounds, but, hey, it was a different position.

Interestingly, I had gotten to the point with my breath where I could actually feel that the air was cooler upon inhalation and warmer upon exhalation. Quite an accomplishment, I know. Just as I was congratulating myself for this perceptual feat, on the fourth day, the meditation technique changed. We were instructed to begin slowly scanning our body, beginning with the crown of the head and working down and back up. We were told to simply observe what was going on - do not react to it. This meant do not resist the discomfort no matter how large and do not revel in any pleasant feeling, no matter how small. This took some getting used to, however it did seem to make the time go a little faster as it gave the brain a little more to do. I was able to pretty much hold things together during meditation. I may have started to cry once or twice and I did my best to hold it in (you know, like a “man”). The thoughts that did arise, however, were powerful. On at least two occasions, as I meditated in my room, I was absolutely wracked with grief as I reflected on what I had given up in getting divorced. I doubled over and ugly-cried for at least ten minutes. You see, I had never really taken the time to properly grieve the loss of the marriage, of the time with my children, of my life as I had created it. Once all the distractions were stripped away, this arose as an unstoppable force with which to be reckoned and allowed to move through me. It was difficult for sure, and also necessary and cleansing.

The pond with magical fish. The magical birds were playing above the big blurry tree on the left.

It was probably day five or six when I first discovered there were fish swimming in the pond over which the bridge to the Dhamma Hall passed. I paused one day to look over the railing and was overcome with joy at their beauty. I can’t explain it. They were just fish, maybe carp, or betas? The same thing happened while rushing to the dorm after lunch one day. I was, as usual, almost completely absorbed in my thoughts and getting to my bed to grab whatever sleep I could, when heard sounds in the sky. I looked up and there were at least fifty birds soaring, swooping and singing. The beauty of it nearly broke me in two. I know. You had to be there.

On a couple occasions I tested the body scanning exercise. Vipassana meditation is designed to help you see how your suffering is caused by craving and aversion. Normally, as I would begin to feel a muscle cramp, I would do my best to simply observe it without reaction. As I did this (or didn’t do it, depending on how you look at it) the pain would dissipate. One day, while meditating with “strong determination” (basically don’t move - at all) as a familiar cramp began to coalesce in my mid-back, I decided to see what would happen if I resisted it. Holy schnikes! That little bastard solidified and hurt like a mother f-er in no time flat. Toward the end of the ten day experience I began to experience a faint sense of flow and timelessness as I almost effortlessly and quickly scanned my body from head to toe. If I began to chase this feeling, it would vanish.

On the last day, after lunch we were allowed to break the silence. And to a person we were absolutely jubilant! There was a feeling of you, love and connection that transcended everything. It wasn’t unlike the Landmark Forum experience. We were astounded at how good we all felt. There was a feeling of peace that passeth all understanding. But man, did I need a massage! I think there’s money to be made for somebody who wants to set up a massage center across the street from the center. Once a month you could charge whatever you wanted!

As it turned out, the heat on our side of the dorm was not on. It was late November into early December. In Illlinois. As such the temperature would drop into the 20s at night. And here I thought the cold room was just part of the experience to be endured!

The recommendation upon completing the course is that you continue to meditate twice a day, an hour in the morning and an hour before bed. Sadly, I have not had the discipline to keep this up. Part of it was my body. My muscles were so stiff and my joints absolutely ached after sitting. These days I do my best to get in 30 minutes in the morning and 30 in the evening. I feel better whenever I do this. I know it might sound unpleasant and daunting, however I cannot recommend this course enough. If just 20% of the population attended, the world would be a much more beautiful place. I look forward to attending another one in the future.

Maxine was right. It didn’t fix me. It was, however, one of the top five most amazing experiences I’ve had in 53 years on this planet. And, as you’ll learn soon, one of the biggest benefits of this retreat was how it prepared me for my first psychedelic experience. But that is still a couple years away.…