The “D” Word
Divorce. This is a topic I’ve been kicking around for several years, trying to figure out how to tackle it. I’m writing it now (on what is the ten year anniversary of our split) because it seems the divorce rate is creeping up among those in my circles and there are a couple that are getting pretty ugly. As I mentioned in a previous post, I separated from my wife of 15 years in the fall of 2009 and we divorced in late 2010. Our daughters were six and nine at the time and it was, as you might expect, fairly distressing all around. And yet… we all survived and, it could even be said, thrived.
People who know us will sometimes comment on what a good job we’ve done with our divorce. Several have suggested we write a book! This is interesting to me. People seldom comment on what a great marriage somebody has. That said, I am flattered. What I have realized is that having a good divorce is much like having a good marriage – it only works if both parties are committed to it.
Flowers after the rain | June 2018
As you can expect, our decision to split was made exponentially more difficult by the fact that we had two beautiful children whom we love dearly. Beyond the fear of what “divorce” meant for Amy and I, we really did not want it for our kids. In hindsight, we only stayed together as long as we did because of them. I knew a couple of families growing up who went through bitter, nasty, vindictive break-ups and it had supremely negative effects on their children. At the same time, neither of us wanted our children growing up thinking what we were calling a marriage was a healthy, productive relationship. Because, in spite of our best efforts (and appearances!) at the time, it was not.
I know I promised not to get all preachy in this space, however this topic is one that is close to my heart, and I am going to suspend that rule for this post! Ready? Ok, here is the preachy part for those of you going through or considering a divorce:
Don’t put your children in the middle.
Don’t make your children choose a parent.
Don’t talk badly about your (former) partner to (or around) your children. You are denigrating one of the two most precious people in their young lives.
Do own your shit. Whatever it is. Don’t pass it on to the next generation. Trauma is generational. (More on that in future posts.)
Do grieve the loss of the relationship with them. Talk to about it. Don’t avoid the elephant in the room.
Do work with a therapist, especially the kids. It may seem like all is well on the surface, but many of us do a good job modeling this and our children can pick up on it. One of the counter-intuitive things that emerged was that because we never really openly fought during our marriage, the whole separation came as a huge shock to the girls. There wasn’t the palpable sense of relief that may have been had in the aftermath of a verbally or physically tumultuous relationship. And here I thought it was better that my kids didn’t experience the kind of fights my parents had growing up. Go figure, right?
Don’t book a babysitter so you can go on a date when your kids are with you. It can wait.
Don’t introduce your kids to your shiny new girlfriend or boyfriend until you have been seriously dating for at least six months, especially if you have young children. I know you think this person is the new love of your life. And they may be. Or not.
In some ways, the fact that we were completely upside down financially in the wake of the 2008 disaster made it easier. After all, there wasn’t too much to fight over in the asset department. “Honeybunch, would you like the $50,000 in credit card debt and the $100,000 we owe on business credit line or the $200,000 HELOC?” “That’s ok, Sugar. I’ll take the failing business and the dramatically upside down mortgage, thank you so much!” Financially, it was an unadulterated shit show. And that’s ok. I’m of the belief we are here to learn (and yes, I am still learning about the debt thing. We didn’t all ace Financial Planning 101!). At the end of the day, after riding an emotional roller coaster for a couple years, we all ended up stronger and more resilient for it.
In the aftermath of the separation, I dug in and I worked on myself. My first therapist, Billy Kaplan, always told me to look at the whole family / relationship thing like an inverted pyramid – work on your own issues first, he said, then those of the couple and then the family. The other two get exponentially easier when you are clear about your own stuff. You aren’t going to improve your life and that of your family by sending your kid to therapy while you surf the Internet for a sale on the next shiny widget you must have.
I have done a lot of facing my fears – the fear of being alone; the fear of not being “good enough” (whatever that means); the fear of my children not liking me or wanting to be with me; the fear of losing friends. What are you afraid of? Being alone? Being broke? Having a different life than you expected? Everything is going to be fine. It will be different than you expected though. No getting around that. One of the biggest insights I picked up recently is that fear’s only purpose is to create more fear. The more you resist looking at what is scaring you, the more power you give it. So, go ahead, look at it. Really see it. Stare it down. The more you look, the less power it will have over you. I found there’s a lot more power in the actual fear of the thing than in the realization of whatever it is I fear.
You can maintain a civil and even loving relationship with your former spouse after a divorce. It is possible. There is no law against it. It may take some effort. And it is worth it — for you and for your kids. One of my favorite parts was the look on the teachers’ faces when Amy, her new husband Tony, and I would show up for parent / teacher conferences. I sent Amy and my kids a draft of this before publishing and Amy reminded me that beyond our commitment to have a healthy divorce, there were a couple other things that worked in our favor. We had a strong friendship from having worked together, both at Kodak and at the photo lab we created. Additionally, when it came down to it, we both were relieved to be out of the marriage, whereas in some cases there may be one person in the relationship who doesn’t want it to end.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out if I can be of any assistance. And, in the immortal words of Bill & Ted – “Be excellent to each other, dudes!”
