BLOG:REKNOWING
Welcome 2014…
And so in comes 2014 with a kiss with a woman whom I’d had eyes on for quite awhile at the local health/tennis club. I didn’t have the guts to ask her out, fearing if she rejected me I’d have the repeated humiliation of seeing her any time I went to the club! I know, YOLO, right? Even better, we ended up making out on the dance floor at Fitzgerald’s. I’ve definitely had worse New Year’s Eves. We began dating shortly thereafter.
Into the Abyss
2007 wasn’t all bad. It was that year that Karen, a dear friend, suggested I begin charging for my photography. Since before my kids were born I was fascinated with photography. Both my grandfathers were enthusiasts, but it was actually the late 80’s wave of black & white posters by Ansel Adams, Henry Cartier Bresson and others that really lit a match for me. Interestingly, in retrospect, it is clear to me that the camera was an ideal device to allow me to participate in life but also to keep me hidden so I didn’t have to fully engage, especially with my family of origin.
On Therapy… Part V
The Lab gets moved. Cracks are appearing in many places. Fitness addiction to the rescue!
When we last left things, I was cruising along at 35,000 feet, metaphorically speaking, and I lost an engine. This happened in the form of a profound realization, around 2005-06, that no matter what I did, no matter how much money I made, how many gorgeous kids I had, how perfect of a house I lived in, my father wasn’t going to love me. Or, more accurately, was highly unlikely to express any love he did have for me in a way I could recognize and appreciate.
On Therapy… Part Quattro
The Days Are Long, the Years Are Short
In the last episode, we had just given birth to our second (of two) daughters, Adeline. To be perfectly honest, this time period is one of the fuzziest parts of my memory. Things with my parents were fairly tense, although we remained in contact. I was on at least 150mg of Zoloft for some period of time. My emotions were dull, I was putting on weight….
On Therapy… Part Tres
Wherein the inevitable move to the suburbs ensues and Baby Number Dos Arrives
When we last left the riveting life story of my intrepid self, we had just given birth to our first baby, the lovely Marguerite Mae, I had started taking Zoloft and I gave up alcohol after 18 years (I was 32; do the math – it ain’t pretty). We were living and working in the up-and-coming West Loop area of Chicago. We had it all – a baby, a rapidly growing business in an amazing rehabbed 1800’s timber loft, another gorgeous 1,700 square foot loft with a panoramic view of the city of Chicago and two BMWs (man I loved that car). And yet I felt… numb? disconnected? overwhelmed? All of the above. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was doing all the things!
The “D” Word
Divorce. This is a topic I’ve been kicking around for several years, trying to figure out how to tackle it. I’m writing it now (on what is the ten year anniversary of our split) because it seems the divorce rate is creeping up among those in my circles and there are a couple that are getting pretty ugly. As I mentioned in a previous post, I separated from my wife of 15 years in the fall of 2009 and we divorced in late 2010. Our daughters were six and nine at the time and it was, as you might expect, fairly distressing all around. And yet… we all survived and, it could even be said, thrived.
End of the World Delayed… Indefinitely.
First of all, a deep and sincere thank you to all of you who read and commented on my introductory post. I am moved by your kind words and empathy. In addition to those who publicly commented, several people sent me private notes with their own stories. I’m not typically one to do the whole “public confessional” thing. I’ve had this demon on my back for so long and tried so many things that I figured it certainly couldn’t hurt….
Bringing Light to the Darkness…
Rather than start at the beginning, I’m going to start with right now (because, after all, that is all there is). Eventually, I will reveal the impetus of the idea to tackle this first BIG issue. For now, suffice it to say it is past time to bring this issue into the light. It is not as if I haven’t told people about it. I don’t freely share it with every new person I meet, yet many of my friends know about it. It is an ugly issue. Women on dating sites will openly say they don’t want to date men with this problem. While, I’m sure I’m not the only one who struggles with it, sometimes it feels that way. I’ll give you a hint – it has to do with money.
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